Dear non-rugby people in my life,

1. From 9 Sep to 23 October 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV to get my attention, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or cook you dinner….it just won’t happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep a couple of six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you may be allowed to use the TV between 7am and 1pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ‘get over it, it’s only a game’, or ‘don’t worry, they’ll win next time’. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called ‘words of encouragement’ will only ruin our relationship.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying ‘one’ game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to ’spend time together’.

8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Do not have any parties or gatherings that require my attendance because:

a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if friends invite us to their house on a Sunday to watch a game, that’s ok.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying ‘but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??’, the reply will be: ‘Refer to Rule #2 and Rule #8 of this list’.

12. Please save your expressions such as ‘Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years’. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, etc etc.

13. And finally, if you are female and your “man” likes rugby less than you, he is not a real man and shall be bound by these rules and additionally be referred to as “the kitchen bitch” for the duration of the World Cup. He’s on snacks duty.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Me