March 3rd, 2015 by Kama

Wow. I didn’t blog once in 2014. I blame grief over losing Jack. I’m existing, and I’m happy enough, but there’s still a part of me that’s a little broken, and blogging no longer felt like therapy, as it was so often in the past.

But I’ll do a 2014 year in review soon. It was a busy year, it deserves a mention.

no comments »

November 22nd, 2013 by Kama


no comments »


November 17th, 2013 by Kama

Let’s review the year shall we?  I know it’s not over yet, but I’m ready for it to be.  Pretty sure this is the worst year of my life.

It began with a car breakdown, and a $1200 repair bill. Yeah, I NEVER have $1200 just lying around for emergencies, so that sucked.

I re-injured my elbow doing the gardening. My doctor sent me for another steroid injection, which helped take away the pain last time. However, this time, the radiologist decided I would benefit more from a blood injection, which is where they take blood from the good arm, and inject it into the torn tendon, making the tear worse in the process, supposedly to promote healing. Sadly for me, this didn’t work. In fact, on a scale from one to ten, it’s ten times worse now.

I’ve now tried physio, acupuncture, massage, steroid injection, blood injection, shockwave therapy. My last resort is surgery, and guess what? At this point, ACC decide this is a gradual process injury (total bollocks), and have refused to fund the surgery. So now I have to battle this out in a review.

Then I lost my beloved Jack. Words can’t even express the hurt. I’m still grieving, and I’ve never felt so alone.  I’ve lost all motivation to exercise, have been eating badly, and gained back half the weight I lost last year. My fibromyalgia has flared up and I’m in constant pain. All my optimism is gone. I’m lonely yet I don’t want to be around people, because they don’t understand, and the people I do want to be around, don’t seem to be able to handle the fact that I’m not all sunshine and roses at the moment.  I doubt I’m at the stage where I could be considered to be clinically depressed, but I’m probably not far off it.  I now understand how people with mental health issues feel, when family and friends withdraw from them and don’t know how to act around them. When all you need, is a little emotional support and to know someone does care.

Then today, the car breaks down again. I have zero savings. I’m in hell right now.

I walked down to the garage to buy some stuff since I couldn’t make it to the supermarket, and the young girl sympathetically told me I looked really tired. Yeah, thanks luv. I am tired. Tired of this life.

There’s only one thing that keeps me getting out of bed, and that’s my job. Thank god for my boss. A more caring and kind person I have yet to meet. She keeps coming to my rescue, financially and emotionally. Even now, on a Sunday evening, she’s texting me with ideas and solutions re. the car. Thanks Taryn, you’re one in a million.

2014 – how about some good changes?

no comments »


April 24th, 2013 by Kama

Fresh Ink

I don’t even know where to begin. This loss, this grief, is so hard to bear. I miss you so much my lovely, it’s hard to breathe. Even when you were alive I missed you when I wasn’t at home, and I would always rush home early just to see you – I still can’t believe you’re not here whenever I arrive home now. This house feels so empty. I never felt so alone before, because you were always here to greet me.  If I was ever sad or upset, I knew all I had to do was come home to you, and you would make everything better.  Who’s going to make me feel better now?

I never wanted kids. Kids are noisy, messy, dirty, obnoxious, cost a fortune and make spontaneity almost impossible. But for all intents and purposes you were my child. I’d have done anything for you, given up anything for you. I don’t care if people don’t understand how long this is going to take for me to get over losing you. That’s their problem. How long does it take to get over losing a child? It will take as long as it takes.

No-one in this household has adjusted to you not being around. Eliot calls for you, that sweet old girl who shouldn’t even have a voice left, calls for you so loud it wakes me up from three rooms away. Billie Joe wanders around looking lost, and meows at me as if to ask the question, “where’s our dog, mum?”  And Michael. You were the only one Mike was ever affectionate with, he adored you. That affection he has transferred to me, he now sleeps at my side in your old spot. I should probably be grateful, except that it breaks my heart.  What kind of dog could capture the heart of three very different cat personalities genetically engineered to hate you, so completely? The best dog in the world, that’s what. And though I know you tried to give your best impression of tolerance and indifference, I know you loved them too.

I’ve put away your food & water bowl because seeing them every day made me cry. But I can’t yet bring myself to pick up your old bones, they’re still scattered all over the lawn. I still find traces of your fur everywhere. I miss rubbing your silky ears, and the way you would snuggle up to me every morning and lay your head on my stomach. I miss your beautiful face and those sad eyes; you always looked so sad, even though I knew you were happy. I miss the way you would greet me at the gate every time I came home. I miss our walks on the beach, and I can’t even bring myself to go back down there.

You were such a good dog. I could take you anywhere and know you would behave. And wherever we went, someone would inevitably tell me what a beautiful dog you were, as if I didn’t know.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you were scared and alone in the thunderstorm. Even though I know it was out of my control, I will feel the guilt every day for the rest of my life. I’m so, so sorry, my love.

And I will love you, and remember you every day for the rest of my life. Jack, I hope you are happy in the big dog park in the sky. I hope you found your old mate Chopper, and the two of you are watching over Lauren and I. Thank you for being the best thing in my life for the last 7 years. I will never find another like you. xxx


no comments »

If I didn’t have animals…

April 11th, 2013 by Kama

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn’t sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree — dog bones, stuffed animals, toys, treats nor would I have to explain to people why I wrap them.

I would have money … and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids thru college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to Spell the words B-A-L-L-, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, W-A-L-K,
or T-R-E-A-T.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I’d look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud season.

I would not have to answer the question “Why do you have so many dogs/animals?” from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.

. . . How empty my life would be.

no comments »

R.I.P. Jack

April 8th, 2013 by Kama

We have a secret, you and I
that no one else shall know,
for who but I can see you lie
each night in fire glow?
And who but I can reach my hand
before we go to bed
and feel the living warmth of you
and touch your silken head?
And only I walk woodland paths
and see ahead of me,
your form racing with the wind
so young again, and free.
And only I can see you swim
in every brook I pass
and when I call, no one but I
can see the bending grass.

- Author Unknown


I lost my best friend, and I’m broken. Jack, you were my best mate, my one and only love, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I can’t even breathe, I miss you so much already. Every time I turn around I expect to see you there, and it hurts so much. R.I.P. my lovely J-Dogg. You were loved so much.

no comments »

2012 in review

February 16th, 2013 by Kama

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last blogged. Sporadic is no longer a term I can use.  I’m not even sure I can remember half of what happened in 2012. Everything goes on Facebook or Twitter these days so I may have to review posts to jog my memory, but I’ll give it a shot.

The year started off pretty well. I obtained a new job as Office Manager for Prima Deli, and resigned from Rainbow Print after nearly ten years. Showing their usual lack of appreciation and complete lack of people skills, my bosses pretty much ignored me for my last two weeks, and never came to say goodbye or wish me well on my last day. I knew at that moment the decision to leave was the right one.  The new job is certainly less stressful, and my bosses thank me a LOT for the work I do, which means everything.

I started running, and discovered I LIKE it. Shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise, given who my father is, but running was never really my thing.

Rugby season kicked off, for the first time I had season tickets – so good. The new temporary stadium at Addington is fantastic.

2012 was also the year the beaut ute gave up the ghost. Too much wrong, and too expensive to fix, meant I was on the hunt for a new car, and the ute was rehomed with a mechanically minded local who wanted it to cart rubbish around his lifestyle block. RIP baby. I miss you dreadfully. The ever growing pile of weeds in my driveway will attest to that.

New car is a Nissan Cefiro, or Big Cef as he is fondly known.  He’s a tank, and I love driving him.

Big Cef

Big Cef

March – NZ ran out of Marmite – MARMAGEDDON!

On to April, Shihad rocked us live at the Bedford, and my good friend Rachel had her 40th birthday, an all class affair at Bean Scene, for which I had to dress up. Thanks to Lauren for helping me find the perfect dress ‘cos this tomboy’s no good at that stuff :)

Rachel, Deon and me

Rachel, Deon and me

3rd August 2012 – I turn 40. Am unsure quite where the years went and I don’t feel that old in the slightest. Just a small gathering of friends and family at the Bailey parents, and a beautiful cake made by the lovely Lou. Despite the no present rule, some lovely gifts were gratefully received, including the box set of the 3 albums Uno, Dos, Tre by Green Day due to be released this year – thanks Rachel & Nick!

10th August – welcome to the world our new cousin, Loukas Theo Mavromatis! Cool name, dude.

Also in August, my nephew Braedan wins Player of the Year in his first rugby season, with 59 tries. Aunty Kama could not be prouder.

September – I ran 10km for the first time in my life. Injured my foot in the process but worth it to reach that goal. Happy to stick to my 5-6km runs from now on though.

October – Canterbury wins the ITM Cup final for the 5th year straight. #rugbychicks are ecstatic in their new hoodies.  I make a return to the beach volleyball competition, with my old team Czechnz – still in top division but we’re a wee bit rusty. Better luck post-Xmas! Also ZM falsely announces a Green Day tour to NZ for March 2013 and gets my hopes up.  This doesn’t eventuate as Billie Joe goes into rehab and everything is cancelled. Get better Billie!

December – and one of the best Christmases in years – the whole family were home; Matt, Yuka and baby Taila from Japan, Hayden, Sarah, Harlen & Amalie from Melbourne, Chris, Kallie, Micah & Charlotte down from Wellington, plus me, Mum, Dad, Lauren, Braedan & Kase. BIG family gathering! Lou joined us as well, and we ate and drank too much as is pretty much standard at the Bailey household! So good to see the family all together. And man, we breed cute babies in this family.

And with that, 2012 came to a close, and the world didn’t end so I’d have to say it was a pretty good year ;-)

no comments »

Facebook Families

January 12th, 2012 by Kama

Some of the most amusing conversations I have on Facebook, are with my family, especially my dad :) Sorry for hi-jacking your post, bro.

Picture 1

no comments »

On behalf of the animals…

January 1st, 2012 by Kama


no comments »

2011 – In review

December 31st, 2011 by Kama

Where does one start? 2011 was such a crap year for so many people in NZ, and indeed around the world. It was for me in some ways as well, but not for the same reasons as most of my fellow Cantabrians. However, it was also a really good year for me. Fair to say, this year had its ups and downs!

2011 started with a bang in Canterbury. And a shake, rattle and roll. In the form of a 6.3 earthquake on February 22nd which, sadly, took lives and destroyed much of my city, and people’s lives. I was one of the very lucky ones. None of my family or friends were hurt, or too badly affected. My workplace was operational, my home was safe and in good working order with no loss of water or power.

A few days later, our family was blessed with the birth of a healthy baby boy, to my sister, Kase James Bailey. I adore him in ways I never thought possible. Who could resist this face?

Kase James Bailey

Kase James Bailey

In March, I moved out of my home, and into “Woodglen Retreat”, the fond name I have given my rental home in Woodend. Things were a struggle financially for a while until I sold my house in Hornby, and still are to be honest (thanks for nothing Westpac!), but the peace I have found here is worth any price.

Our earthquake was bad enough, but to put things in perspective, Japan was hit by a powerful 8.9 quake on March 11th, triggering a huge tsunami, and causing well over 15,000 deaths with many more injured or missing.

In June, Christchurch was hit again by earthquakes, a 5.6 and a 6.3 in quick succession. More damage, more soul-destroying liquefaction in eastern suburbs, but luckily no more lives lost.

On July 17th my brother Matt got married to Yuka in Japan, I watched the beautiful ceremony live on streaming internet. Ain’t technology grand?

July and August saw two heavy snow falls which effectively closed Christchurch down, or what was left of it. Just what our businesses needed in a quake ridden recession, but oh well, a couple of days off work ;)

September 1st gave me my first niece, Charlotte, born to my little brother Chris and his wife Kallie. September also brought the Rugby World Cup to our shores. The most nerve-wracking 6 weeks of my year, culminating in a courageous win by our team, the All Blacks. Many tears were shed. Most of them happy.

On Wednesday 5th October, the container ship Rena ran aground on the Astrolabe Reef off the coast of Tauranga, causing an enormous oil spill, classed as New Zealand’s worst maritime environmental disaster. The same day, the Chairman of the Board of Apple, Steve Jobs, died.

Which brings us to December and a short holiday in Auckland for the Foo Fighters concert, which rocked Western Springs, and caused a few earth shakes of a different kind :)  Then two more additions to my family, nephew Taila born to Matt and Yuka in Japan, and Connor, born to Amber & Rob.

For me, 2011 brought all kinds of good into my life. The good definitely outweighed the bad. My New Year’s Resolution for 2012? To start seriously looking to change my career path – though there are still a lot of times that I love my job, I’m not sure my body is up to the physicality of it anymore, and I need a change.

To all my family and friends, I love you all – I wish you all a Happy New Year, and that 2012 brings you everything you wish for.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Albert Einstein

no comments »

It's All About Me

Total #rugbychick - also addicted to Green Day, fur-kids, rock music, social media, tattoos, spy thrillers. I swear a lot & I'm not even slightly PC.