April 24th, 2013 by Kama

Fresh Ink

I don’t even know where to begin. This loss, this grief, is so hard to bear. I miss you so much my lovely, it’s hard to breathe. Even when you were alive I missed you when I wasn’t at home, and I would always rush home early just to see you – I still can’t believe you’re not here whenever I arrive home now. This house feels so empty. I never felt so alone before, because you were always here to greet me.  If I was ever sad or upset, I knew all I had to do was come home to you, and you would make everything better.  Who’s going to make me feel better now?

I never wanted kids. Kids are noisy, messy, dirty, obnoxious, cost a fortune and make spontaneity almost impossible. But for all intents and purposes you were my child. I’d have done anything for you, given up anything for you. I don’t care if people don’t understand how long this is going to take for me to get over losing you. That’s their problem. How long does it take to get over losing a child? It will take as long as it takes.

No-one in this household has adjusted to you not being around. Eliot calls for you, that sweet old girl who shouldn’t even have a voice left, calls for you so loud it wakes me up from three rooms away. Billie Joe wanders around looking lost, and meows at me as if to ask the question, “where’s our dog, mum?”  And Michael. You were the only one Mike was ever affectionate with, he adored you. That affection he has transferred to me, he now sleeps at my side in your old spot. I should probably be grateful, except that it breaks my heart.  What kind of dog could capture the heart of three very different cat personalities genetically engineered to hate you, so completely? The best dog in the world, that’s what. And though I know you tried to give your best impression of tolerance and indifference, I know you loved them too.

I’ve put away your food & water bowl because seeing them every day made me cry. But I can’t yet bring myself to pick up your old bones, they’re still scattered all over the lawn. I still find traces of your fur everywhere. I miss rubbing your silky ears, and the way you would snuggle up to me every morning and lay your head on my stomach. I miss your beautiful face and those sad eyes; you always looked so sad, even though I knew you were happy. I miss the way you would greet me at the gate every time I came home. I miss our walks on the beach, and I can’t even bring myself to go back down there.

You were such a good dog. I could take you anywhere and know you would behave. And wherever we went, someone would inevitably tell me what a beautiful dog you were, as if I didn’t know.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you were scared and alone in the thunderstorm. Even though I know it was out of my control, I will feel the guilt every day for the rest of my life. I’m so, so sorry, my love.

And I will love you, and remember you every day for the rest of my life. Jack, I hope you are happy in the big dog park in the sky. I hope you found your old mate Chopper, and the two of you are watching over Lauren and I. Thank you for being the best thing in my life for the last 7 years. I will never find another like you. xxx


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It's All About Me

Total #rugbychick - also addicted to Green Day, fur-kids, rock music, social media, tattoos, spy thrillers. I swear a lot & I'm not even slightly PC.